Future Missed

Over-thinking-The-art-of-creating-problems-that-were-not-even-there-399x330With the entire December album of George Winston playing in the background I write this.  Thanksgiving being the first song. The holiday itself is about sharing, time with family and taking your stomach to task.  As I listen to George display his talent, I wonder about my ‘special purpose’ as was personified in Steve Martin’s The Jerk… as he set out to find his… I reflect as to what mine is or has been.

From a relationship of nothingness….. I was lucky to experience a moment in time that will remain so very special to me. Hours filled what a year plus could not.  Music of new, a kind caress and nothing but us in which to experience.  Even short lived, it burned a desire within me that will always remain.  Yet, to live in his world… versus without him in mine is too much to do. Knowing that I had the power of choice, why would I choose to add pain. Why would I feel forced to do so now?  A boundary does not have to be set at every marker.

Can you hold a cake and never eat it? Would you be willing to take some, for fear that all is impossible. Why are definitions so definitive? Why does what if have to be explained before it ever has a chance to be?  How can one moment in time be so powerful that you feel it necessary to lay out the rest of the land before you even begin to trod?  How dare you think that for one moment, you really have control over your heart.  Silly girl, tricks are for the corner.

If he stirs something inside you, let him cook.  At this point do you really think that you know what is to come? Why would you even want to?

What began as something beautiful has been stifled by 6 words…..I can understand his frustration and I sense that time will calm the waters; however, despite both being literarily (new word) precise, we have come to that point where each of us is listening, reading and interpreting with jaded receptors.  Yet, that’s what happens in the wake of any demise… our emotions are taking over the 2 things we typically control; attitude & perception.

I feel as if I am walking away from someone I’ve loved for years.. and as George’s fingers strike each key my tears continue to fall.  I am doing this and yet, it hurts so very much… perhaps that is why, despite all else, I will continue to smile and welcome someone new … on the off-chance that he will want and be able to share with me on that magical level of 2.  Oh, what I had hoped would be…

Few see it

Most unaware…

Bravado aside

All I can be is Claire

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