I Have No Idea What I’m Doing!

There are very few situations where I question my thoughts and/or actions.  I’m spot-on or at the very least proficient in just about everything I do – until Him.  Sure, we started out flawlessly; however, it was easy – he was so very communicative, with overflowing texts and verbal professions of feelings, thoughts and emotions it was all there right before me and my feelings mirrored his…. There was and continues to be magic; however, somewhere through this budding new romance, life – crept in and some old wounds were able to sneak their scaly ass in too!

We’ve had a misunderstanding here and there; however, nothing earth-shattering, yet, I was on guard for him to disappear.  It would not feel right if he had; however, there was that OLD fear of mine lingering in the wings.  There was a moment when he completely shut me out and reaching him was impossible; however, in short order he came back to me so that we could talk.  Being ignored is a huge trigger for me, always has been and it is one of the few things which could cause me to turn and run in the other direction.  I do not always believe one should stand and fight, yet, the silent breathing through the phone line is better than feeling ignored, put-out or put off…. I can handle many things; however, being ignored is rude and something I just do not find reason for.  There have been moments when I am silent, where I simply cannot properly articulate how I feel or how to express it; however, I cannot ignore another person as I do not accept it when done to me.  It’s hard to tell someone this as it always comes out as a threat or ultimatum; however, in truth it is nothing more than a here is my boundary, please respect that.

I am 47 years old, a relatively sharp cookie and one who has had many relationships, oh, wait – allow me to correct myself, I’ve had many relationshits…. but, now, I’ve come to realize “I have no idea what I’m doing….. in this loving relationship!”  Holy Crap!  I’ve met the man of my dreams, a genuine article – the sauce and the sizzle and I am a duck out of water!

We skated through weeks 1, 2, 3 and then a month hit and he had to go away for work…. nothing new (to him), but, for me, a new beau, new feelings and now no him… damn you, fate… why place this gift before me only to move it to another state!  Yet, he is not gone, he is simply elsewhere …. this is a new concept for me as I’ve always been – out of sight, out of mind.  This is NOT the case here and rarely has it ever been; however, I must keep reminding myself this is a relationSHIP – not a relationshit!  I’m realizing that in a relationship, you are not always going to be stacked on top of one another like antelopes with one trying to see over the fence.  We’re separate people who have come together in love, yet, that does not mean we are TOGETHER like puzzle pieces, we are together in heart, future and love.  There’s a part of me that continues to hear… “no text in a minute, he’s done with you”, yet, the bigger, more prominent thought kicks that irritating voice of doubt right in the head.  I have to actually tell myself that not hearing from him, now or now or now means nothing more than he’s working dumbass and you should be too!  WOW, 47 years old and I have to have these kinds of conversations?  Am I even competent to drive myself home or drink coffee?

He’s got a sweet, innocent disposition, his mannerisms are a little dorky; however, that is part of the allure.  I’m tired of the polished pricks who took up so much of my time with their this and that.  I always sought substance and rarely did I ever believe it would be found in those who tainted so much of my innocent nature.  I am far from fresh-driven snow innocent; however, at one time there was an innocence about me, where I did not always suspect as much as I do now.  I am street-smart and proud of that; however, that weary nature bled thick into my personal relationships… which is why so many were relationshits.  I am not the victim in all of these as there were many in which I lost interest, yet, failed to let the other know OR when my hand was asked for, I did nothing more than decline without explanation.  I just was not there in my life.  It was rare, if ever that I thought much about marriage, living together or even where I’d honeymoon; however, in just a few days – He had asked.. “Where would you go on your honeymoon?”  I had no answer as that was never my train of thought…. but, he asked that I keep that in mind.  Yes, I said days; however, part of his allure is how he would blurt out things he wanted to know ignoring the timelines people speak of when it comes to when is the right time to say this or that.  I love how he just says what he wants to know or expresses how he feels.  That was a real turn-on!  A man who was confidant enough to speak from his heart.

He works 6 days a week and it is not run of the mill easy, sure, there may be standing around, waiting… and redoing what was just done; however, it’s outside, it’s muddy and the physical exertion required is just more than most would be able to take, yet, he does it pain or not… better than most. When he has come home, he is covered in grey, thick mud, the kind that just sticks to whatever it touches… the vibrant safety colors, have been transformed into faint hints of safety yellow!  In many ways this is a much more appealing look versus the slick lines of a 3-piece, yet, each person must earn their keep their way.  I love how he is part of something we rely on versus being an office worker in a cubicle world.

As I write this I chuckle in how we are so opposite in many ways, yet, we share similar beliefs and values.  He is tall, where I am not…. he exerts himself physically for work, whereas I push paper.  I spend most of my time sitting in a climate controlled office, whereas he is out in whatever shit weather Mother Nature decides to provide.  I tend to eat out most nights, whereas he is usually snacking on the go.  We came from 2 sides of the spectrum when we talk about childhood; however, each of us had and have incredible parents who love and care for us.  The differences are what will keep us together as same, same, same is boring, yet, our commonalities on things which matter most are what will bind us throughout our lives.

I love this man, not for any material reason, but, because he came to me as someone I already knew.  He had spoken about soulmates and talked of how I was his world, his everything and I stood in awe of how everything I never I wanted was right before me in one person.  He is not perfect and we sure as hell know I am not; however, together we fit.  From the very moment we began talking to present day… we work through whatever as our goal remains the same.  I have found the man I’ve always wanted, now, I just have to simmer down and let this relationship stay its course.

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