It May NOT Be About Me…..

Now, there’s a novel thought!

For the past few days I have allowed an internal struggle in regard to Mr. Cute.  I have intermittent thoughts; however, they are relatively constant.  Feelings such as ‘what did I do?’, ‘how can I change this?’ and ‘will he ever call?’, yet, the one thing I have not paid much consideration to are in essence what I should be thinking of….’What am I going to do?’, ‘Will his attitude toward me change?’ and ‘Will I accept his call?’ – All too often as women we make it more about him than about ourselves and while I am a very good culprit of this…. I need to take a step back and really look at what it is that I can control and what it is that I am responsible for.  Here’s what I’ve come up with.  I can control attitude & perception.  I am responsible for myself.  In making these 2 statements, this takes a huge burden off my shoulders, my hips and my mind.

I’ve invested heavily in Mr. Cute and in the beginning he was paying dues into the same account; however, where is he at right now.  Well, wherever he is, that is where he is and that should truly be at the core of my thoughts versus the internal pondering that I have swimming through my mind. I need to remember that irrespective of what I did or did not do, if feelings were there, then I would not have this sinking feeling as if something is wrong.  I definitely can feel something in my gut; however, in stepping back I must first consider whether or not there is cause for me to question if it has anything to do with me or not.  In truth, I have been nothing but friendly, supportive and loving.  He on the other hand has been withdrawn, unresponsive and moody.  I am more than OK with someone having a bad day or even rough week; however, accepting their poor behavior is a choice that only I can make.  We all have bad days or tough times, hell, I’m having a few of my own right now… yet, try as I might, I still muster the ability to be kind to those around me and especially to those I care about.  Could it be that irrespective of what he may or may not be going through that my insistence that it affect me be part of the issue?  I suppose anything is possible; however, at the same time what is it that I am holding onto?  Is it the hope that what he is going through right now will pass?  Is it that since I’ve done nothing wrong that he will continue to see me, call me, have interest in me?  These are all questions that have run rampant through my brain and yet, the one question I rarely ever ask is:

What do I want?

Why is it so difficult for women to ask this question?  Why is it when it comes to relationships with men.. women tend to wonder more about what it is that they’ve done or not done to warrant a shift in his behavior.  What about us?  We’re people, with feelings, too!  I am pretty guilty of this.  Rarely do I sit down and contemplate what it is that I am getting or desiring… and whether or not that is what I deserve and/or desire.  I’ve put myself in the backseat more times than the driver or even passenger’s side.  Why?  Well, here’s a small insight… although I live a happy life independently, the feelings stirred by Mr. Cute have been euphoric, the loss of that feeling has been a devastating blow. I definitely can find joy & peace in other areas of my life; however, I want that euphoric feeling that he provided to continue.  I am not making him the controller of all emotions; however, I am and/or have allowed that feeling to permeate a place within me that I definitely want to continue feeling.  As of late, that has not been there.  I’ve overstayed in his presence at times, simply because I hope that a spark will strike him and he will look over at me and smile…. Yet, there have been moments when he has stared blankly, not, in my general direction but just stared.  I can remember the moments in which he looked into my eyes with that little smile that I believed was just for me.

If I had to be honest with myself… I would have to admit that despite what he may be going through… for the time being he has chosen to go it alone.  Perhaps this is space that he did not ask for, but, desperately desired.  Despite his other request for space, which was given freely and without incident, he no longer cares to ask for it, but, take it.

In past I would cling on for dear life to a man that was clearly walking away; however, time has proven that whenever you grasp in desperation you always come up empty handed or worse, your hands are filled with a surly person that will do whatever they can to break-free.  This is definitely not what I desire or deserve. I have not set boundaries and that flaw is on me.  In my thought process I thought things would just magically meld together, yet, that is not only a fairy-tale dream but unrealistic.  I’d like to think that I’ve grown, but, years on this planet do not warrant you any sort of learning quota.  In order to learn, you must live… you must also revel and fail… you must experience pain before you can appreciate joy and you must love who you are first before anything else.  These are hard lessons not only to learn, but, to put in practice, actual daily practice.

In remembering how it once was, a sadness comes as it is not that way now.  In trying to force something… the hard truth is…. what good would it be?  I must sit back, take each day as it comes and realize that irrespective of what he does, chooses or feels.. none of those things are mine to claim.  I have to search for that inner-strength… and pull that back to the forefront. It is more than difficult to lose anything; however, if you lose who you are and what you’ll accept then anything else really doesn’t matter.

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