Now, I Don’t Want To Talk! (I guess)

Mr. Cute and I have been talking recently; however, days past by without a call or text and in my new approach, I was not driving the ship.  Yet, I felt that I had every right to reach out, check-in – see what, if anything was up.  So I did.  He answered and immediately began to tell me about how time escaped him due to work.  It was not a report nor was it expected; however, he acknowledged that he had said he was going to call and knew he did not.  Those few days were hard to endure without a call, yet, I did it.  I then decided to go for broke and cast my fears aside as to what he may say in response and I stated that I had enjoyed our most recent talks and that I had hoped we were either starting anew or picking up where we left off with minor tweaks and improvements…..the silence was there, yet, I said nothing else.

He was kind; however, he explained that he wondered if we should be friends.  He went on to explain that he, too enjoyed talking with me, that he has missed me and that he liked the person that I am, yet, he feared that since I did not listen to him in July…i.e. “I do not want to talk.” that in essence we would inevitably end up in a same or similar situation later and he would lose all connection to me.  He pulled back by saying that he was just thinking out loud, yet, throughout the conversation this same ‘what if’ kept returning.  I stopped speaking to him in July simply because he was cold, unresponsive and it was not a few hours or days that he ‘did not want to talk’ – for weeks and therefore I did not feel that I was the one that should try to reconnect.  Yet, he perceived that as I was all or nothing.  Misinterpretation #2.

I am still frustrated with that whole situation despite both of our most recent, earnest efforts to explain where the other was coming from, it is now months past and in truth… I still do not believe he knows where I was coming from and in truth I am still unclear as to how he expected me to sit there, silent with nothing more to go on than I do not want to talk with cold, loveless interactions.  Perhaps we will stand at that proverbial crossroads for as long as we live.

He said that he missed me and that he had hoped that I had done things differently or that I would have merely sat in silence, yet, I, too have my own wishes.  In truth, I felt that we could move from this point and develop something stronger, yet, because I left without a word and broke off all communication – he feels that if we were to try a relationship again, that, we may inevitably come to another line in the sand and lose contact forever.  I get that, yet, as he spoke of a time when he was not getting along with his best friend and before he could tell his friend how he felt.. the friend died in a fiery car wreck… Mr. Cute cannot see how forgiveness to the point of no longer involving an incident of past could be relevant.  I still find him to be a wonderful person and while I do not agree with his reasoning and/or fear of if we try again and it does not work out scenario… it is not mine to agree with, it’s on him – his choice.  My choice is do I continue a friendship with someone that I desire to be more than a friend with or do I simply walk away knowing that he is not the one for me, friend or otherwise.  I am leaning toward the latter simply because we both could have handled things better in past, yet, that was one incident compared to the many other things that we aligned so perfectly on.

I am at a point in my life where I have had more freedom and yet, for matters that are near and dear to my heart, I’ve let someone keep me back.  I have no reason to feel upset as that would only take up more time that could be spent on family, friends and my overall happiness.  In my opinion a true friend would never put another in a section.

I’ve replayed the entire July interaction in my head over and over and it has become clear…his perception, inquiry and position stir up some unpleasant thoughts.  I definitely think that we were incredibly lucky to have met one another and it saddens me that despite something so final as a death…that he has yet to really understand that people make mistakes some much larger than others; however, they should not necessarily be cast aside for any one particular error.  I am not seeking approval for what I did… I pressed him to talk, when he clearly stated he did not want to, yet, I did not intentionally run over his dog, step out on him or do something crazy at his work.  Again, I am not saying what I did was OK; however, pressing someone to talk, when it was obvious that something was causing them sadness is probably not even on the Top 100 of Break-up Reasons.

I will make mistakes in every facet of my life, some bigger than others; however, I can only learn from them, seek the support and guidance from friends that I’ve surrounded myself with and continue to do what I can.  I do expect to be called on the carpet for hurts that I cause, intentional wrongs that I commit and even those things that I may be completely unaware of…yet, from my friends, I do hope to receive understanding, forgiveness and unconditional love as that is what I offer.

While I am pleased to learn that he would rather have me as a friend than risk not having me in his life at all… I have to admit that as much as I would like to keep in touch … while he says he’s not looking for apologies, admissions of guilt etc., it still remains evident that he will not forget.  I can only seek forgiveness and/or apologize so much before I have to ask… what am I still apologizing for?  I am all about persistence and I applaud Charlie Brown for continuing to try to kick the ball; however, while I think Mr. Cute could possibly use this same cartoon with me… I am not going to try to kick this ball nor am I going to be it either.

Luckily, I still have that dream of someone else to keep me warm at night….

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