With a slight modification of Johnny Paycheck’s song, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do deserve better. I am not referring to a ‘better’ man nor am I even referring to a man in general… Overall, I deserve better! Of course, I am writing this post in mid-drama, yet, isn’t that when we typically need to write? Pre-Drama is too early with no emotional attachment and Post-Drama is too fresh for us to jot the thoughts. Mid-drama is in the words of Goldylocks…..“just right”!
At 41 years of age I’ve seen it, lived it, loved it and hated it… all of which provided valuable insight, useful lessons and a plethora of stories to recall. I am not any more wise than someone of 20 or one of 90; however, like anyone else I do have my strong suits.
I am thankful for the life that I’ve already lived and excited for the experiences of today and those of hopefully many tomorrows. I may utilize a few youthful tips and tricks, yet, I cannot be more appreciative that I am in my 40’s rather than my 20’s. This is a topic deserving of its very own post…
Getting back to the title at hand… I am not bitter nor am I angry, I am merely reclaiming just a little more of me than before. I have no reason to roar and there is no need to follow the bat wielding behavior of Carrie Underwood… I am, sitting back, taking it in and contemplating what has gone on, what I allowed, what I inadvertently asked for and what I, myself can or cannot do about it all.
Power takes on many roles and disguises.. yet, in truth true power is not so much in what you can do, but, what you choose not to do.
Daily, Mr. Special ruminates through my mind and daily I think of what once was. I’ve read that whether you get someone back or not.. the relationship that you had is over… should a new one start, that one will have its own end date (if that is the outcome, not trying to be pessimistic here), should that be the case. I am not a fan of roller coasters, yet, I thrived in a professional sales career for many years.. that was my ride and I enjoyed every breathtaking up or down…. If asked I would say that I do not want a roller coaster love life and yet, I’ve ridden one for years.. thriving on the up and crashing on the down. If we say that we do not want something, why do we end up partaking in it? I have no reason to martyr myself, I am innocent enough as is. Am I powerless? No, not in the least. Do I attract the roller coaster relationships? Perhaps… but, do I do it because that is what I crave or is it because that is where I’ve shined professionally? Possibly.
Who I am writing to? Who am I advising to shove it? Who is this post for? Me! I am writing to me… for me and about me. I am internally advising that I shove it.. whether it be back out there to someone new or perhaps to Mr. Special. I am providing a direction for what I should do with my love… Shove it where? Who knows.. but, if I am not boisterous, passionate and full of tenacity.. then am I really feeling a truly passionate love? When we speak about love… and the thoughts around it phrases such as: It just ‘hit’ me… I was ‘struck’ by his words, He ‘knocked’ me off my feet….I know that there are some instances where someone ‘swept’ someone off their feet or perhaps that someone was taken ‘aback’ by another.. But, with all of these phrases.. each one contains a word of being whacked in one way or another. I am not talking about violence.. yet, think about this.. rarely do we ever speak about true love with any sort of calm… i.e. yeah, so one day I came to the conclusion that I was in love OR like a soft feather I felt his love… When someone expresses true love, insane emotion, uncontrolled passion etc., they do not use soft words, but, words that sting!
So, Mr. Special take this love and ‘shove’ it! If truth be told it very well could appear as if I am angry or upset, yet, I am liberated in the fact that I am not walking on egg shells.. I am excited that I can write this and not concern myself with who may read. I am empowered with the feeling that whether he does or does not return.. is not where my focus is. I continue on this path, yes, with his memory in tow, yet, I am not looking ahead in hopes of seeing him.. nor am I checking behind in cases he’s following, I am looking within… with the approval that to think of him is not a bad thing.. yet, to allow more thought of me to continue to flood through. I am not meek and I’ve never been mild.. I am strong-willed, sharp-tongued and gregarious.
I put me first without apology, I think of others without regret and I welcome anything that comes my way. I fall because I jumped, I hurt because I loved and I continue to jump and love simply because no one can stop me.
If I am not true to myself… there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I would ever be true to another.