His Answer…In 32 Words.

I hate text messages; however, when someone I fancy is texting me, I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl! Can’t get any more opposite than that!  I can appreciate text messages for their immediacy and their usefulness, when a conversation is simply not an option i.e. in a meeting or just need to see if your child got into the house; however, I hate when a text is sent instead of having a difficult conversation.  On Monday morning I received a text from Mr. Special; however, the message was not exactly what I wanted…he apologized for not calling, explained that his youngest was going through some stuff and that he did not have the resources to start a new relationship now…Of course, I am sad; however, I did not lash out with any epithets or craziness, I simply considered what my response would be and replied with this… X, you’re a great Dad and exceptional person. This is upsetting to learn, I know Daughter’s Name will be fine; however, some things take time.  I don’t understand the resources word, but don’t expect an explanation.  Please know I care about you & don’t want to come across clingy, yet, because we shared something intimate I would prefer not to say good-bye but see you later. I’m here should you ever want to talk.  My best to you X as sincerely as I can send it.  Sorry for the marathon text.  I felt that he should know how I feel, not so much for him, but for me.

The problem with text messages of a more serious or personal nature is that one person is able to write whatever they want and pop it off, in essence they do not have to ‘deal’ with the reply… I have some real feelings about text messages, both good & bad… I love them when they convey a quick thought i.e. Miss you… Thinking of you…, yet, I do not believe they are the polite or mature avenue for bad or uncomfortable news… i.e. I no longer want to see you… You’re not the one for me… I know, I’m playing both sides of the coin; however, walk with me on this path of reasoning: A text should be a way in which you communicate quick updates or to give someone a warm fuzzy; however, how would you feel if your doctor chose to send you this:  “You have Cancer; call my office for an appointment.” OR the Principal at school sends this; “Your son, Johnny fell off the swing set and is in an ambulance to St. Mary’s Hospital…” I am sure you would agree that ‘thinking of you’ and a ‘Cancer diagnoses or hurt child’ report reside in totally different buckets.

I am more than aware, that the dumpee is probably seeking a verbal conversation in order to try to reverse the dumper’s decision; however, I think that if you have had any type of connection with another… a verbal conversation is the bare minimum of courtesy.  Unfortunately, more often than not, crazy-women have tainted the pool and have forced men to take less direct action, but, this leaves the non-crazy female population with less than a respectable method of good-bye.

I am a level-headed woman and deserve the courtesy associated with direct communication.

A nice text letting someone know you’re thinking of them does not necessarily require a response…it’s just more to let them know you’re on their mind… but, when someone gives you good-bye news via text, it taints the message.  He does get points for saying something, rather than leaving me to wonder.  Sure, I get that I am toggling the fence here, duh, yet – please understand that I text, like the rest of the world, but, when things become serious or I have to convey not-so-good news, I believe verbal communication is the only way things should be handled.

Some have said that if you want to decrease the likelihood of an upsetting text that a relationship’s early stages should not start out via text. I see some sense in that; however, my biggest question is why should we have to do away with something versus using it more responsibly?  Alcohol is not outlawed; however, the responsibility of each person that takes a drink is to do it responsibly.  Text messaging should not be any different.

I will say this for him… he did tell me.  There have been those in past that merely fade away.  So, I have to acknowledge that not only did he tell me, he did so in an appropriate amount of time…If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you’ll know that this was not a relationship of months; in fact, it was hardly more than a week; however, there’s just something about him.

DS is a ‘no-but’ man.  A no-but man is one that you can talk about to your friends like this:  He has beautiful blue eyes, a strong embrace and his entire soul is riddled with chivalry and sincerity….. Yet, a ‘but-man’ is typically spoken about like this:  He has an award-winning smile, a great personality, BUT….he’s gay, married, homeless, separated, in prison, trying to find himself, a player etc.  I have always wanted to meet a no-but man and although I found one… for the time being.. through no fault of anyone… he has to be temporarily assigned to the but-man category:  So, going forward, he has beautiful blue eyes, a strong embrace and his entire soul is riddled with chivalry and sincerity, but… he does not have the resources to start a new relationship now….

I am not looking for a perfect person, I certainly know I’m not perfect; however, when I’ve gone on dates in the past, there’s always been something that sort of struck a chord….to name a few things… I went out with one man who did not have an ear…yep, you heard me (no pun intended), born without an ear… there was another that could not stop talking about how great he was… and then, there was the gem that was allergic to me and the list goes on….  Each one of these men had something that I liked; however, I was able to keep my other foot in Singleville because they each had a ‘but’ somewhere in their description, in fact, some of them later developed that ‘but’ into ‘ass’.

DS, may be an ass-man; however, with every word he spoke and/or any action he did, there wasn’t a ‘but’ in sight.  He came across as genuine and as I got to know him better, he maintained that level… in fact; there were things that he said to me, that no man has ever said before.  All too often, women come up with creative pet names; however, he had more names for me before I was able to muster even one.  He brought up the girlfriend/boyfriend thing and exclusivity…I kept up with the pace and blindly jumped head first.  I wanted to have more faith and less cynicism as this felt so natural and I trusted what he said to me.

Do I have regrets, sure; however, not in the “Did I do something wrong way…” more in the; “Damn, I wish I did not forget my sweatshirt there, as I won’t ask for it now”, sense. (My sarcasm had to pop in somewhere.) In truth, I believe that he simply did not know what to do once the machine was set in motion…and I think that the pressures at work and now the stuff going on with his Daughter, left, little to no room for something or someone new.

The word ‘resources’ really has me in a dither, though… as I hope they were not of a financial sort.  For me, I have never been impressed by a man’s finances, if he meant emotional, time or spatial resources; I can accept that as most men are not good at multi-tasking; however, if I thought for one moment that he was worried about his financial resources in regard to how I would feel, I would definitely want to let him know that his money is of no interest to me.  My attraction was in the instant chemistry each of us experienced, the way he looked at me, his dedication to his children, how he made me feel, the words he chose, his innocence, his sincerity, how he tried to make everything perfect when I came over Friday…and so much more!

I now know, whereas before I had questions, assumptions and input from everyone, but him.  This is one of the things that relationship experts talk about a lot… irrespective of what your friends have been through or who you seek counseling from… the only person that really knows what’s going on – is the person that you want to hear from.  If they do not reach out to you in one way or another and truly give you an answer or reason… you are left to fill in the blanks. I am sad that we will not be seeing one another or getting to know one another more…but, I did get the respect of an answer.  I no longer have to wonder.. what happened?  Did he get hit by a bus?  Is he ok?  Is he lying in a ditch somewhere without medical attention? And the list could go on…. Yet, unlike many women, I did get an answer.  I should be happy for that, not necessarily for what the answer was, but, that I got one.  I need to keep that somewhere in the forefront of my mind.  In fact, I need to make that more of a focus than the answer itself.  I’ve read post after post from women that had a man simply disappear on them… and although I have one that has other things that need tending to… I got the respect of an answer, albeit by text message, I got one.

I am a confidant woman who can feel deeply, without apology.  I have an incredible group of close friends and a family that I love so very much.  I am well-respected in professional arenas and can adapt to just about any situation the world has to offer.  I am 41, soon to be 42 with a kickin body, sharp wit and the ability to take a hit and keep moving forward. (I had to throw a Rocky quote in here somewhere.)  I am also a grounded woman who could never be a notorious texter or caller as that is just not part of my DNA.  I write to express myself and in truth I believe with each post I grow.  I may never forget this dear man and if truth be told, I hope he misses me too, but, for whatever reason the timing was simply not in our favor now; however, who knows what ‘later’ has in store for ‘us’.

I will still rant about text messages and how much I find them to be impersonal; however, it’s one of those, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em situations, so, I will text…but my practice in how I text will change slightly.  For the record, I do not have serious conversations with anyone via text.  If I even sense that a misunderstanding is brewing, I call.  I cannot change what other people do and even if I voice my opinion, it is ultimately up to each person to do as they please.

I hope this writing strikes a chord within you… if you’ve ever been the bearer of bad news and chose a text as the best communication avenue, put yourself on the receiving end.  It may be easier for you to type in a few words and press ‘send’ for a host of reasons; however, in truth – irrespective of the message, when it comes to something that may be uncomfortable for you to say… when sent via text, that act alone inevitably hurts the receiver more than the message itself.

Can you hear me now?

2 Comments:

  1. DS IS a “yes but” man. He had all of these good qualities, BUT he isn’t very good at verbal comunication and relationships.

    Now, I’ll admit, I’ve had some very serious conversations via text and I’ve even ended things (whith psychos) via text as well. But, if things were going well, and I simply wasn’t into it, I’d make a call or try to see them face to face.

    I do not leave the door open though. Once it’s closed, it’s closed for good. I’ve had incredibly important people leave me, and when they show back up at my door and ask for forgiveness, I forgive, but I won’t forget…and they stay outside.

    Props to you for willing to take him back later.

    • Sean,

      Thank you for reading this and for giving your ‘take’. I totally understand that once a door is shut, it’s shut; however, I am not seeing a shut door. I could be believing something different than what is truly there, yet, I did not get that sense. His last sentence was “I do not have the resources to start a new relationship now” (perhaps, I am doing the I want to read it as I want to read it thing). If he was not into me, I would think that either A) I would not get an answer at all OR B) He would not have included the now.. Again, I am over-analyzing, but, in my gut, I feel that there’s a chance it’s not at the forefront of his mind, his Daughter is and that makes me like him even more.

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