All kidding aside I’ve taken a moment or many to think about where I am and why it is that on most weekends I am spending time at home, alone with my puppies. Yes, I want to share special moments with one person; however, I find that I desire that ready made relationship. It’s not that I won’t work at it, I just do not want to go through the dating/mating motions. I want my evenings to be spent talking about our days…whether it be something wonderful or something frustrating. I want the evenings to be spent together most of the time, snuggled up. I want to say a person’s name and have him know the history… where he can throw in a ‘is she still crazy’ comment or just simply roll his eyes when her name is mentioned. I want serious time where we’re planning, brainstorming or dealing with a disaster. I also want those moments where we can hardly stop laughing simply because of something that neither one of us can recall.. all we know is that it’s funny. I want to be that person he calls, even if he has nothing to say at all and in turn I want to be able to dial him up simply to hear his voice.
At 42, you would think that I would have had that already; however, it simply has not come. Sure, I’ve spent time with some incredibly wonderful people; however, if it was truly what I know I will have someday, well, he’d still be next to me. I still believe in the fairy tale, yet, I know the reality too. A Knight in Shining Armor is not what I long for, it’s a regular man, with a regular steed and a personality that literally lights me up!
I like to be home. I do not want to troll the bars at night nor do I want to be one of many on a stool… pathetically waiting for someone to come to me. I make the effort and yet, I’ve invested in the not-for-me gents. I walk away with a clean break; however, as the title states, I am about as tough as an egg.
I get that it cannot be as instant as grits; however, at the same does it have to be as hard as pushing a rope up a hill? I refuse to give up or throw in the towel; however, I truly tire of the games. I know I learn and I grow with each person; however, I do not want to learn someone new.. I want to dig deeper with someone special.
There’s someone….I cannot put my finger on why; however, he fills most of my thoughts when it comes to matters of the heart. He is kind, sincere and although his wit needs a little speed, his slow to reply is endearing. The wonderful people that come into my life amaze me and I value their steps in and there are the select few that I hope will stay, whereas others have an open door to go. I would be foolish to write much more about Mr. Big, yet, at the very same moment I continue to let him fill my thoughts.
I see many people walking hand in hand and I so desire that; however, there are many hands that are extended to me, yet, I am holding mine back. I do not need him today, yet, I hope that he will be there tomorrow. I have always been more about the journey than the destination. I so enjoy the moments along the way. Irrespective of how we live on this earth, we inevitably end up the same. That’s what’s funny about people, irrespective of who we are, what we do and/or who we love… when it comes to our last farewell, we all go the same way.
I live the way I do because I want to look back on my life and smile. I want to be able to have said that I did exactly as I wanted. I want to smile at my sins knowing that I swayed here and there only to recall my resurrection in that I forged ahead and learned from where I went astray. I want to hold the hand of that one person that shared some of my best moments as I shared some of theirs. I want to reflect on all that we did and think of the things that I was able to achieve.
I volunteer my time because I do not want to reflect on a life of “I” but on a life of moments. The smile of another is encouraging and I have several memories of moments in which someone has whispered some type of appreciation in my ear. I do not give time for thanks; however, I give it because people matter. I do know that when I am feeling lonely, I reach out to see if I can help another. Nothing can take me out of a down mood than the smile or happiness of another. It may sound selfish; however, it is not intended to be. I give at many times; however, when I feel I have nothing within me, I tend to give more, it’s funny how full I find out I actually am.
I have had my share of loves lost and while they were experiences that I definitely do not regret, they were not my forever. I value the pain as it taught me something, strengthened me in a way that no book or blog could ever do and despite the tears, in truth, I smiled later because I was still there to feel it.
As I embark toward rougher or different waters, I must remember that there’s nothing but my last breath that will truly ever stop me and I plan on living a lot longer. In a previous post, I wrote about the dream of someone else and that still holds true.. there is that one person. I know he’s not at my house, hence the reason I reach out to him; however, the quicker we can actually come together, the quicker we can get to the kitchen, the sofa and the moments that will be forever imprinted on my heart.
Tough as an egg, sharp as a ball, it’s all a process and only God’s call.